I’m stumbling to find pants, my keys, my keys…where the eff are my keys!!!! 

It’s roughly 2:20am Tuesday, January 4, 2022, I get a call to my phone, not fully coherent I turn it off and lay back down. Five seconds later it rings again and I notice it was Sonny, Cedric’s brother. It quickly hit me that Ced was still in the hospital, I immediately answered. 

“Sis, you need to get to the hospital Cedric is gone, grab Czaria this might be her last time seeing him”.  

“Wait what?!??” 

I’m struggling to get Czaria’s toddler body dressed, that morning she felt 100lbs. 

“Leave her here” my cousin, Michele, suggested (Thank God, I listened because I was an emotional wreck). On the drive to the hospital, as my cousin, Chip and I rode in silence. Well, it felt like the world was silencing around me and begun to close in as I replayed Sonny’s words over and over again in head. “Nah I know I must have misinterpreted what he said” so I called him back…

“Sonny, did you say he was gone? Or he is in bad shape and not doing well?”

“Nah, sis he’s gone, gone”

The tears just flowed…

“You never hold yourself accountable for anything you do that's wrong”

Those words ring over and over again in my head. That was the last text message Cedric sent me, while he was in the hospital. It bothers me that my last interaction with my husband, before he passed away, was not good. He wanted me to deviate from the court order and see Czaria again, but I refused.  

It wasn’t news to know that him and I were not in the best place within our marriage. Shoot, I filed for divorce 5 months prior. I mean that’s as close to the end as you can get right, but honestly that’s not what I wanted. Did I give up too soon? Did I over react? Feelings of guilt in what I/we contributed to the breakdown of our marriage, had been screaming in my ear. Often asking, would he still be here? But all I wanted was for him to get better…

January 22, 2022

It’s 24 hours before I say my last physical goodbyes, as we lay him to rest and it doesn’t seem real. I’m a ball of emotions, sad that’s he gone, mad that he put himself in this situation, frustrated at having to pick up the pieces where he dropped the ball, pissed that he chose his “proclivities”over his family, and disappointed to know the hope for change is shattered, yet relieved to not have to deal with the drama any more. Hard to say that, but hey it is my reality. 

With his passing, our relationship can no longer be fixed and I have to sit in the decisions that were made on both of our parts. And over the past 18 days I often thought what if I would have known that he was passing, how would I spend the last 24 hours of his life?

I would spend it doing what we loved and that was being on the road as a family…just driving. We enjoyed that the most. One our goals was to travel somewhere we’ve never been together, each anniversary. As I recall, another goal was to live abroad for a couple of years. I’d say we’ve had the greatest times together just traveling and exploring new activities. He would often say, that is what he wanted to

“Experience life on his terms”

Whether it was by plane, train or automobile…experiencing something new together was thrilling.  Next, we would eat and eat good! I’m sure he’d order a 1/2 dozen oysters as an appetizer. For dinner a juicy, buttery steak, with a loaded baked potato and steamed broccoli…or maybe asparagus. Can’t forget his glass of wine or double shot of Crown, neat. 

Then we would find a place to watch the sunset and just sit…sit and talk. Like real, have the real hard conversations, so much was left unsaid. But then again does it matter? Does May 2020 matter? Does the arguments matter? Does the mistakes even matter? In the reality of it all, yes and no, because those situations occurred and they hurt. 

Would that change the outcome? Who knows, all I can do now is focus on what’s in front of us. And that is seed that was planted and produced our daughter, Czaria Aleigh Smith.  Affectionately known as “his twin” and I promise to protect her and keep the positive aspects of his life, alive.

“Oh, now she want to play wife”

Many question the love for my husband but I loved him enough to know that he wasn’t in a healthy position to biblically love us. Those same people had no idea about our marriage. Only experiencing a portion of who Cedric was and I have reconciled within me that it is no longer my battle to fight to convince others. 

Until death do us part…

As the clock winds down to 10:30am Saturday, January 22, 2022 the love that was personified through him will be celebrated. Now, I reflect on many past conversations about being reunited with the risen Savior, Jesus Christ. Who died and was raised on the third day. The shedding of His blood is able to cover all of his/our sins and Cedric now is sitting blameless in front of our Holy God, singing Holy, Holy, Holy forever in worship!

I am fully confident that he is now peacefully at rest. Now I can and will move forward knowing that him and I are at peace.

I am challenged to live each day as if it’s our last 24 hours.

Cedric Adell Smith

March 12, 1983 - January 4, 2022

We love you!