9 Months Later…
Nine months later we are often anticipating the birth of a new life or a life-altering event to commence after this metaphorical gestation period. Well, here I am to give birth to my new life…whether you or I like it or not, change is happening.
I didn’t expect to take such a long break from writing, then again nor did I expect my husband to pass away 9 months ago. At 38 years of age, I never had anyone close to me pass away. So grieving is new to me, I had zero motivation to sit down and type anything. Some days were good, I could get up easily throw some makeup on and get through the day. On the bad days, I couldn’t shower and just wanted to lay on the couch and do nothing. A piece of my heart cries each time, our daughter comes to me saying…
“Mommy, I’m sad, I miss my dad….can you bring him back?”
How do you tell your four-year-old that her dad isn’t coming back? All I can do is be 100% honest and tell her “no, he isn’t coming back because he is with God now”.
I never imagined the weight that comes from this new life without him. The reality is that this burden is now on your shoulders…every emotional, financial and physical burden is yours to carry. Now the reality is kicking in that the time that has passed has me wondering what have I done, what have accomplished. Giving myself time to do absolutely nothing and that’s okay. But now it’s time…
I gotta keep pushing…
Spending the last 9 months trying to make up for him not being here physically for Czaria. Going everywhere, doing everything, saying yes to all of her wants and desires. But I know it isn’t realistic to try and make up for his physical absence. So now what….
I gotta keep pushing…
Although there are days when I want to do nothing, I embrace it and do nothing. When I go to work, I flip on my social switch from home to avoid the “are you okay” questions. The Danielle outside is socially acceptable. She is active, she is funny, she is happy….but behind closed doors, I don’t have it all figured out, I’m tired, I’m overwhelmed, and often sad trying to figure it out so that I don’t disappoint myself and Czaria. So now what…
I gotta keep pushing…
On the bright side, ya girl has goals because I desire stability the most with this transition. I’m ready for a semi-boring life. There will be some major moves happening to make that happen, some known and unknown. With Czaria as my major motivation to keep going. I want her and me happy and whole. Counseling, traveling, random activities, family, friends, and God as our lead we will be okay.
So we keep pushing!
Stay tuned as we enter this new season of life.
