I, (insert your name), take you, (insert their name), to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy law, in the presence of God I make this vow.

It was only 5 years ago and I remember those words vividly. No one gets married with the intent to divorce. But when you find yourself going down that rabbit hole of changes and things aren’t the same, what do you do? Things you once ignored is now stinging like the pain of pins and needles from sitting on your leg, the wrong way, for too long. Oh gosh, I can feel that now!

As I begin my unfortunate journey down this road called divorce, if I can help anyone avoid this trip, let me share a few things that I noticed that lead us to this crossroad.

Disclaimer

Since we are still going through our process, I can’t go into too much detail.

One of the most recycled advice received when a couple gets married is “Communication is key”… yet at the height of your wedding nuptials, you can’t fathom coming down from this high. But often here we are, more than 50% of Americans end up on this road. It’s a very real statistic and we may have to face it one way or the other. So we either blindly take the GPS route or take alternative routes when we see the road blacks ahead.

Well how do you avoid getting to that road? Remember that little cliche phrase “communication is key” is very much true. Once you start developing a habit of not communicating you are creating pot holes in your relationship that often time is ignored and isn’t being refilled. Refilled with what? Refilled with understanding, an answer, an agreement. In order to fill those needs, there should be communication of how to handle these situations when this pothole is in front of us, again. Now experiencing the pothole before, you can recognize it and either avoid it or smoothly ride over it with fewer bumps.

My Marriage is Falling Apart

You can google any site for the main reasons marriages are ending and I can assure you that whatever your issue, it boils down to one thing.

According to Marriage.com some of the top reasons for divorce includes

Obviously Cheating

Physical Abuse

Financial Woes

Nonstop Arguing

Lack of Intimacy

Loss of Identity

This list can go on and on, but you or someone you know have spent many of nights mulling over their circumstances questioning if they should stay or go. Whether it’s a matter of days or years the loss of one thing is ALWAYS the common factor…

Communication is gone..aka you don’t talk about the hard things.

Did he/she cheat? Communication was lost with the cheater not vocalizing their desires, impulses, and/or past and present hurts. The list goes on where a person can’t express their feelings to their spouse. This goes along with lack of intimacy, these are hard conversations to have with your spouse. You are no longer attracted to them or that they don’t satisfy you sexually. When these unspoken words would often lead to easy conversations with others. Sometimes this falsehood of conversational ease is lead to believe “the grass is greener”.

Let’s talk about money, this is typically the second leading reason for divorce. I’m no expert, but this is my take on this. Not communicating expectations of financial wisdom or lack there of. Not communicating spending habits, hoarding, gamblers, can’t forget controlling. These internal truths of our flaws aren’t being expressed to our spouse could be due to fear, embarrassment, people pleasing, or other internal factors from life’s experiences etc.

Let’s discuss abuse…One thing I’ve learned over the years is that abuse isn’t always physical. Most forms of abuse whether it’s physical, emotional, financial, spiritual (which is a whole other topic) are all rooted in control or the lack of control on behalf of the abuser. And yes, the abuser can be both male or female. Not communicating family history of abuse, past hurts, weaknesses etc. lead to a continual pattern of abuse in your marriage. Not discussing that your mom cursed you out or beat you when you gotten a “B”, instead of an “A” in English class. Developing this mindset of never being “enough” and projecting your experiences on your spouse. Believing that their actions aren’t good enough to please you, so you need to control how they should respond. But I digress, it’s a touchy submit and you should immediate help for yourself and/or family, if you are experiencing any form of abuse from your spouse, whether male or female, seek help asap.

Let’s talk about it….

I can assure you that all marriages had a break down of communication likely at the very beginning or even prior to marriage. This is what we call the red flags. We see the social media posts with acknowledging all the red flags we have ignored over the years in our relationships, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that we still freely walked through that carnival with the expectations of still enjoying the show. Because, “it can’t be that bad” or believing the love of our life will “change for me”.

Another thing I’ve learned over the years, in general, is that people should want to change for themselves, FIRST. Even reflecting over my own flaws, yes I’m a runner…that viral song made popular on TIKTOK, was meant for me. I believe that I see red flags and recognize them pretty early and didn’t feel friendship or relationship was worth my time in “fixing it”.

We don’t want to believe our spouses are bad people and often they are not. We want the best for them so we say “I’ma stick beside him” or her. Y’all see, I love my social media. My parents have been married for 45 years, cue the applause….but that wasn’t a cake walk by any means. There were a few factors that played a role in their longevity. But one thing I witnessed is that they changed for themselves first, so that they can be better for one another. We see those numbers 10, 35, even 60 years of marriages being celebrated, which they should. But a few things that I’m learning is that couples need to recognize their individual flaws or be humble enough to be pointed out by their spouses.

It’s not as easy as I’m typing this or else I wouldn’t be gracefully bowing out after 5 years. It’s more than just a simple disagreement on life, but believing the requests for change won’t happen.

The Ultimate Downfall

In my humble opinion, the ultimate downfall is the lack of trust or belief that you or your spouse will not be willing to make the sacrifice to adjust their behaviors for the benefit of their spouse or their family as a whole.

The Fix

Humility is the fix…humble enough to say “yes, I have a problem” if there is genuinely an issue. Often times we need a mediator to reconcile the two perspectives. A mediator can come in the form of a counselor, therapist, spiritual leader, trusted peers, etc. Utilize your resources and if you two come to the conclusion that these alternative routes still lead you to the road called divorce, you have to face it. I’m not afraid to say, you may have to unpack your car and go on your journey separately. Again, no one gets married to get a divorce, but at the same time there is no reward for living in unhappiness either.

Communicate with yourself first, so that you can confidently know what you want and expect. So that you can confidently speak with your spouse about the issues that could possibly lead to divorce.

Don’t be like me

If you can avoid it all costs. Recognize early, what you are willing to accept, prior to marriage. If you are married, use your resources and communicate honestly about your fears, desires, past experiences and future expectations in order to move forward confidently in your marriage…or divorce.

Stay tuned for more commentary on this subject